Breaking Dawn As It Should Have Been
by riterandreader
Summary: A parody. I hope you like it. It's short and sweet, and I hope funny. A lot of inside jokes for fans/readers. WARNING: HEAVY IN SPOILERS! I am a fan, so please don't flame! R and R please.


I dedicate this one to my best friend, Ashley, who told me the horrors of Breaking Dawn so that I might not have to read it and find out for myself._ Mind you, this is a PARODY and will offend lovers of the book, I'm sure. So if you don't want to be offended: simple, don't read! __  
_**  
****PS - for those who HAVEN'T read Breaking Dawn, this is intensely spoiler-filled, and some jokes you might not get unless you've been spoiled so... yeah.**

Caveat: I don't own any of these characters, Stephenie Meyer and Josh Whatshisname does.

Yes, I have read books 1 ~ 3. I loved book 1, hated book 2, tolerated book 3.

**Warning: Rated PG-14**

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BREAKING DAWN – AS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN

**Bella's POV**

Edward sucked. Literally. Well, he was sucking my blood to turn me into a vampire – little did he know that I already turned into one when we… more on that later.

You see, I didn't really _love_ Edward – he just thinks I did. What he didn't know is, I wanted him to turn me into a vampire so I could be beautiful, have unparalleled senses and strength, and so I can kick Alice's bony, 'marble' little butt (and Emmitt's too) whenever I felt like it. That's why I was being such a little bitch about the whole matter, and that's why Edward was so determined not to turn me. He knows he'll be totally whipped by me, and our new baby Renesmeemmittalicejaspercharlieclarliserosalie, once she's born in a month. That's why he was so determined to keep me 'human' as long as possible. I was his little 'spit bubble', or whatever metaphor he used - so fragile. Bullshit.

So anyway, what Stephanie Meyer didn't know (no, she didn't create us. That's ridiculous. And she thinks she can "change" the rules and our characterization on us as the story goes? No way) or rather, she forgot is that – as she said – vampires have venom in every bodily fluid. So their pee (the Cullens' toilet has to be replaced every six days – especially with Emmitt there, and his fondness for bear blood), their spit, and including their sperm. So at the first moment Edward ejaculated, I was slowly on my way to becoming a vampire.

Yes, when it was burning _down there_ at first I thought: shit, Edward lied to me about being a virgin, that blood-sucking liar!

Then the burning spread, and that's when I got excited: Ha! The loser forgot to think this one through when he fucked with me! Or rather, he was thinking with his _other _head, and didn't realize that this would turn me into a vampire.

So, I tried to hide it the best I could. But by then, I also realized I had been knocked up. Filthy blood sucker.

So I pretended the baby was killing me or something, when in reality I just wanted Rosalie to feel sorry for me. Because once I told that bitch I was pregnant, she was ready to tear my face off my head.

Luckily, when I told her I'd hand the baby over to her, no problem (like I really want to be a mother on the first years of immortality. Please!), she was so excited, and realized she had to protect me and her future baby from Edward, who was furious.

"I thought you said you were on the pill!" he bellowed.

"I am Catholic!" I protested.

"Get an abortion! My dad's a doctor!" he brightened at the thought.

"What part of 'I am Catholic' do you not understand?" I cried.

There were no ripped pillows or sex for several weeks.

Well, by now signs were showing that I was turning into a vampire, not even I could hide it.

"Bella, why are you on the floor screaming in agony and pain?" Edward asked me.

I couldn't really say more besides, "Ahhhh!!!!"

"Bella, why are you so pale?"

"Oh, just been avoiding the sun," I told him brightly a few days later.

"Bella, is that blood you're drinking?"

"Nope, just some V8." I took a sip.

Edward thought for a moment. "Funny, it looks like blood to me. Hey… what happened to our mail man…?"

Stuff like that.

Finally, it clicked in Edward's head, "You're a fucking vampire!! How???"

"Funny word choice Edward, because you see…"

So by then, for Edward to save face with his family – he had to pretend to turn me the "normal" way (instead of having to explain how it _really_ happened). And since I was already a vampire I didn't hurt. We had to kind of stage it with the mailman's blood, though.

And if this doesn't make sense in any way, just remember: it's probably more accurate that Stephenie Meyer's version of the aforementioned events.

**Jacob's POV**

That bitch picked a fucking statue over me. The man's a total tool, but whatever. She wants immortality and powers I can't give her. Frankly, if you ask me, those two deserve each other.

Whatever, so I had these friends in Canada, and I heard the powder there was really wicked, so I decided to hit the slopes and get in some snowboarding. I asked Leah and Seth to come along, since they like snow boarding too.

"You should totally move on man," Seth told me one day on the slopes.

"Edward's a total tool, and Bella's just a bitch," Leah was only too happy to remind me.

"Yeah, like I need to remember that." In that exact moment, a beautiful woman happened to cross my path. She was actually rolling down the hill like a little snow ball, unable to stop. Given my fetish for clumsy girls who are vulnerable like soap bubbles (or was it spit bubbles?) I hurried to rescue her. I just hoped she wasn't as fucking crazy as Bella the Bitch.

Too late, she was already being helped by her (apparently) boyfriend. I just shoved him aside, and pretended to be the one who helped her.

"Who the hell are you?" She demanded.

"I'm your new dark knight," I winked.

"Why do you smell like wet dog? And why is the snow around you melting?"

"Long story, listen, babe. How about you and me-"

"Get your hands off her," I turned around and saw who it was.

"Fuck, it's Edward." Then I took a new look at the girl.

"Bella, you bitch! You're a vampire now?"

"Yeah," she said haughtily. "Sucks to be you, right?"

"This is un fucking believable."

So I went back to the cabin to go cut my wrists or whatever when the girl at the front desk said, "Do you need some help?"

That's when I realized: I had imprinted. On an ugly Romanian front-desk helper who had a big mole on her face. Only, she might as well been Botticelli's Venus, because I realized I was in love.

I told her. "I'm in love."

"Excuse me?" she said in that lovely Transylvanian accent. I hoped to God she wasn't a vampire too.

I asked her, "Are you a vampire?"

She laughed her charming, husky, mannish laugh. "Of course. My grandfather Dracula." I could tell her grasp on English was bad because she said 'of course', and she was so funny and witty (like me), saying her grandfather's Dracula.

"Here's my number," I carved into the front desk with my wolf-like claw fingernail. "Call me sometime."

I went back upstairs – this time, not to cut my wrists, but to tell Leah and Seth what happened.

"That's not imprinting, you dumbass! That's called being desperate," Seth told me.

Unfortunately Hilda (that was her name) happened to really _be _a vampire. Apparently they make 'em really ugly in Europe. So Seth, Leah, and I were forced to kill her.

"It was for the best," Leah told me wisely.

On the way plane home however, I thought it wouldn't be too bad. I was too busy being pissed at Bella for really chosing immortality – I mean Edward the sucker (in every sense of the word) – over me. I really did need to move on, I realized.

That's when, on my way back to Sporks, Washington, the crappiest place on earth, I saw there was a new girl in town. Actually, I never really knew their _where _any girls in Sporks besides Bella or my female relations. Her name was Angela, and she was hot.

I told her, "Wanna take a walk on the wild side and go out with a great guy like me?" I revved my motorcycle engine, just to impress her.

"Are you Jacob Black?" She asked, wide-eyed.

"You've heard of me?" I was flattered.

"Bella said you cough up hair balls, is this true?"

My face turned red.

"And that you're a total dog?"

My face turned purple. Before I could cuss out Bella's parentage, Angela said, "Sure, I'll go out with you. You have way more personality and character than my boyfriend, Ben, who's like a cardboard cut-out figure."

"Sweet." She hopped on my motorcycle, behind me.

We rode off into the sunset. Once she found out I was a werewolf, though… she freaked.

"But I've imprinted on you, baby," I tried to explain.

"I'm not a Kinko's, Jake. What the hell is imprinting?"

She attempted to run away while I was sleeping, but Leah caught her, tied her to a chair in an abandon shed, where we starved her for five days, until she was willing to stay with me, as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Too bad I didn't actually imprint on her. I actually imprinted on this girl who hated vampires and was used to dealing with freaky beasts and whatnot. She was awesome and we lived happily ever after. So up yours, Bella Cullen!

**VAMPIRE BELLA'S POV**

Edward dumped me. I can't believe it. He says it's because I don't "smell right" any more. I smell like a vampire, which in his eyes is a bad thing. "And I can't save you any more," he complained. "It's boring like this. You totally whip me, and our baby freaks me out. She's like a Chucky doll, only sickeningly pretty.

"I feel like I've been in love with a steak," he waxed poetically. "But you're no longer that steak, Bella. You're like… the steak once it's been digested in my stomach. You can't go back to being a steak any more, Bella. We're just not compatible any more. If you can't smell right, I just can't stand being with you."

So Edward left, and killed himself. I gave the baby over to Rosalie as promised.

There was this big war between the Volturi and the Cullens. Five of the Cullens were killed – Esme, Emmit, Carlisle, Japser, and Alice, who couldn't foresee this. Rosalie went on to do modeling work – everyone was impressed over her inability to eat food, so she fit right in. Other models died trying to be like her (they assumed she was living off air, which wasn't strictly true). I remained immortal and pretty forever, until Jacob's wife – whose name was Buffy – came by and said she was a slayer. The Cullens never warned me about slayers. But it was too late by then, because she killed me.

**The end.**


End file.
